Life, Triumphs and Heartbreak

I have been a bad blogger! I have been busy in recovery, parenting and at work.  I have wonder news and not so wonderful news to share.  My son graduating from high school and now attends the University of Findlay in Ohio as an education major... he also plays football, GO OILERS! I love going to the games and I am learning to socialize with the families, which I struggle a bit, I still stutter when talking to strangers, but I am taking baby steps to get to know the Oiler parents, I have 4 more years to get to know them all.

My step-daughter, Emma has moved west... very far west to Oregon, to work and attend the University of Oregon next year once she obtains residency. I miss my oldest children so much, they make me laugh when we are all together and I love to laugh.

Eloise is in the 1st grade, where does the time go, she is our baby! She does not have a love for reading, I think I may have pushed her too hard when she was younger and I was re-learning to read... I have talked to her teacher and we both know she will be OK, I guess I have working parent guilt. Eloise makes me so happy to see her passion for life, family and her friends.  She is our tom-boy and loves riding her
moto-cross bike with her dad!

I am doing well, I am a talking superstar, my speech has come so far... I only stutter if I get tired or I feel socially uncomfortable.  My hand is still stiff and does not like to cooperate, yet... I have a right hand it is great and holding grocery bags. The right side of my face is still numb, but I use a straw still when drinking or a water bottle. I read at the 5-6th grade level, which I am so proud of! My spelling still stinks, but my new friend "spell check" always has my back.

I am fully back to work.  I am holding my own weight and doing a lot of trainings.  I have figured out to balance rest and work while at work and have learned to slow down and the most difficult thing I have to learn is to say NO to others... I can no longer help others, since I know am still learning how to organize my schedule and work load.  I love training... it took me a bit to get into the swing of it, but I love to teach others new and fun ways to educate themselves and the youth in their after school programs.  Learning to say NO to others took some practice, but I can do it and do it well.

My heart break is that my friend Becky has had a hemorrhagic stroke on her left side and has been unconscious since October 12! Becky is in her mid-40s... why are all these young people having strokes! Are we working too much, trying to balance work, relationships and parenting too much... we never take breaks or vacations anymore... people come to work and school sick... I don't know, but this has to stop! Becky needs to wake up and start her rehab!  She is wonderful person who was there for me 100% during my time of need and rehab... so I will be there for her 110% She is responding to stimuli and breathing on her own, but she just needs to open her eyes! Please pray for her!

Friends have started a website through Facebook for updates on Becky, I really appreciate all of this, because she just needs to wake up and start healing!

Becky's Brigade

 

My Babies are Growing Up!

I have two graduations this week... TK is graduating from high school and tomorrow Eloise is graduating from kindergarten!

He did like me taking this photo, but it was his last day of high  school ever!

Wow, two great milestones for both of the kids!

So proud of them... my Kindergarten grad and High School grad!

I am in love with this photo... they are getting along and I love their size difference! I have awesome children and so blessed to be a stroke survivor to be in their lives!

It has been a wild ride through this school year for me, I still feel a little like the village idiot at times, send out many emails with questions for teachers and principals and I am happy to say I got all of TK's things in on time for graduation, plus he got a 5 year scholarship at the University of Findlay!  I am so blessed that I am here to share all of this happiness with my children!  I also love the teachers at Avon Lake High School for always having my back if anything was late, I lost just about everything and always being there for TK during my recovery and still today!

I have learned to read better with Eloise and she is a great reader due to all of the reading we have done together, she is a great speech therapist for me and TK has and is doing a great job motivating me to exercise and get this gimpy body moving!

I am going to be a mushy pile of goo this weekend and I am not mentally ready for this and with not having a short term memory, I can't prepare for this... the the tears will be flowing!

I am a proud mama, a mama that is still kicking recovery's butt and lucky to be here to share these special days with my children and family!

More milestone news is that my step-daughter Emma is moving from Elyria, Ohio to Eugene, Oregon to go to school... PJ and her will be driving out to Oregon together in 2 weeks, I will miss her so much.  When TK goes to college at the U. of Findlay, it will be only 2 hours away.

Eloise and Emma... sister love!

My babies are growing up!

Vacation Time

I had some vacation time over the Christmas and New Year holiday... it was great!  I would love to be a stay at home mother, it is a dream of mine, but darn this economy, I work, I am good at what I do, but I would love to be home concentrating on my little family and my children's education and activities... sounds corny, I know... but I loved falling back in love with knitting over the vacation, worked on homemade ornaments, making cupcakes, then had Cup Cake Wars with Eloise, cleaned out my pig sty closets, cooked, college visits with T.K., used my Pilates ring in the morning, napped, went to the park and played outside with all the kids on Christmas day, planked a tree (hehehehehe), went to the zoo and went to the movies... it was a joy!  I do not have bags under my eyes, I did not worry about visiting schools on the East side or worry about what to wear to work... it was wonderful!  I was so happy to be home... The only thing that would have made it better is if I had some time to myself... everyone was home, even PJ.  Since he works in other's homes,  no one wants a re-modeler in their home over the holidays!

I am ecstatic about knitting again, it was a bummer trying to do it with my "special" right hand, but I am relearning how to do it using special need hand... I love it, it is so relaxing and it makes me happy to give someone a gift!

So, it is back to work and school again for my family, but I am still thankful everyday to have what I have!

Giving Thanks!

I have so much to be thankful for and I will address my thanks, but first, Eloise had to write down what she was thankful for as a homework assignment and turn it in.  She was thankful for my mom, me, T.K., Papa, her dad, her grandpa and her Uncle.  What a great list, she was thankful all the people that love her.  Last year in preschool, she was thankful for Lily, the girl who she fought with ALL the TIME... it made us giggle!

As I think of the giving and thankful holiday, I don't think so much of the Pilgrims that took over the Indians land (the story not told in elementary school) but I think of all of what I am thankful:

I am ever so thankful for my mom, she is my angel nurse, even though we fight.
I am thankful for my children, all 5 of them, no one is a favorite.
... my dad
... my brother, why is he single, come ladies, he can do anything!
... Julie, my co-worker and friend
... Gloria and Cindy, my bosses
... my recovering health
... red wine (the only alcohol I can still enjoy)
... Sweet Walter Red Wine... the best!
... hot wings... why was I a vegetarian so long!?
... PJ, we have our ups and downs, but I see his big heart!
... Bob Radanich, I am so proud of his knee rehab!
... Molly and her fabulous daughters, I am so glad their are in my life again!
... my job, so glad I have one!
... the West Side Market, it helps me eat healthy!
... turkey, which I will try this year!
... I am thankful for my gimpy hand, it really bothers me, but reminds me of other who have no movement,
... I am thankful for my numb mouth, I can still talk!
... my Kindle, I like reading now!
... my brain, life is precious!

Why are you thankful?

Here is too hosting a great meal of family in our tiny house full of love this Thursday.  I love my family, and all of our dysfunctions!

Happy Birthday to Me!

I am posting a little late, but it has been one year since I had a stroke! It is a new year for me and I am so happy to be here and sharing my thoughts with you!

I have learned that you say, "Happy Birthday" to survivors... I like this idea and supports my thoughts on being a survivor and not a victim. I really do not like when friends, family or acquaintances refer to me as a stroke victim, which is very common... a lesson learned by me to never to call a cancer survivor a victim either.

I have had a CrAzY year to say the least... I had to re-learn to read, (very challenging as an adult), re-learn to write, re-learn my basic life information, figure out how to use my gimpy hand on a daily basis, figure out how to drink with a common cup with a numb mouth, learn to overcome StReSs, learn to get rest when my body and mind need it and learn to be a healthier me.

I never want to have another brain trauma... ever!

I am dealing with the weight I am gaining, but not well, so as a birthday gift to my brain, I am going to incorporate physical activity into my daily routine... if a stroke didn't kill me, this weight will... I need to shed it, I really hate it!

I love my family and friends that have put up with me, mainly my mom... she is my angel! Julie at work, Molly for being back in my life and making me laugh, T.K. for growing up a little too quickly while being there for me... I could not have healed without my superstars.

The medical bills are still there, I still have doctor appointments and I still have residuals... but I am here and happy.

I did it; I rehabbed myself to be better, not the old Lori, but a new, different Lori that I love so much!

I did not make myself a cake... maybe I will make one on Thanksgiving! 

Happy (re)Birthday to me!

The Bigger Picture

I was a very materialist person.  Could not wait to have a girl, I was dress her head to toe in cuteness! Since learning through this illness, there is so much more out there to care about!

. family

. friends

. health

. laughter
. love

. knowledge

. being able to read

. walking

. romance

. music

. children

. spirituality

. kindness

. challenges
. forgiveness

What is your bigger picture?

What I am Grateful For...

Gratitude is something that has been overlooked in my life, I was a bratty teen who wanted all the pretty things... now that I have been in dire straits lately, recovery really has me looking at life in a all new way... with a ton of gratitude! Here is what I am grateful in my life!



* I am grateful for my life!


* I am grateful for my recovery process, as long and as challenging it has been.


* I am grateful for my mom, my rock, best friend and hero!


* I am grateful for my family... I know I am a stinker!


* I am grateful for P.J. ... and for our many ups and many downs.


* I am grateful for my 2 beautiful children, they warm my heart and make me laugh everyday!


* I am grateful for Emma, Nathan and Jacob, who would not be in my life if not for P.J..


* I am grateful for my brain, as slow as it is, it is my one and only brain.


* I am thankful for my "special" right hand, it has shown me all about being challenged!


* I am thankful for my job, it is a perfect fit for me... Starting Point has been a wonderfully support place.


* I am grateful for Gloria and Cindy, I could not have two better bosses... I want to be Gloria when I grow up, I love her fire, sarcasm and love!


* I am grateful for Julie, my second mother, I love her wisdom and treasure our car stories!


* I am thankful for my long term memory.


* I am grateful that I have not lost my creativity.


* I am thankful that T.K. reminds me that I am losing my sense of humor, life gets crazy sometimes, I need to remember to always laugh!


* I am grateful that my friend Molly is in my life once again!


* I am grateful that I am typing, and getting most of the words correct!


* I am grateful to be reading at the 6th grade level... it could be worse!


* I am grateful for my Kindle, it has sparked a flame in my reading,


* I am thankful my doctors... they take good care of me!


* I am grateful for my ASI ladies, who are always there for me and my many questions!


* I am so thankful for Lynne and Alycia, they are my best guides!


* I am grateful for stroke, I would realize what I have if not for this scare!


* I am thankful for all the "Ah-ha!" moments I now have! They help me learn!


* I am thankful to be able to watch T.K. play football!


* I am super grateful for being here now!


* I am grateful for all the GOOD people in the world!


* I am grateful to have found West Shore Unitarian Universalist church, I really needed them!


* I’m grateful that I've made the right decision hundreds of times.


* I’m grateful that I've made the wrong decision thousands of times, and learned from them.


* I’m grateful that I've learned to be okay with my own weakness.


* I’m grateful for the Internet. It has influenced me more than anything else – in incredibly positive ways.


* I’m grateful for all the suffering I've gone through, since it’s made me appreciate everything so much more.


* I’m grateful that I have everything I need – food, clothes, shelter…


* I’m grateful that I've learned that I no longer have much to fear from life.


* I’m grateful that there are people who care about me.


* I’m grateful for all the help I've gotten over the years – even when I haven’t asked for it.


* I’m grateful that I know that happiness is a choice.


* I’m grateful that I live in a safe place and I don’t have anything to fear when I’m at home.


* I’m grateful that the Internet has leveled the playing field and shortened the distance between people so connections can be made so much more easily.


* I am thankful for music!


* I am thankful for chicken... never the thought the vegetarian I was would ever say this!


* I am grateful for water, I am drinking it so much more!


* I’m grateful that I have a good set of values.


* I’m grateful that I've always put in the hard work when I’ve had to.



* I’m grateful that there is so much beauty and joy to be had in living life.


* I’m grateful that there are artists of all kinds producing wonderful works for my eyes and ears!


* I’m grateful that people can change themselves if they try hard enough – I’m living proof of that.


* I am thankful for tea, iced and hot!


* I am grateful for lemons, that make it much easier to drink water more.


* I am thankful for the West Side Market!


* I am grateful for my two cats, they are so different, so glad that we saved them from the cat pound.


* I am thankful for my bike, it helps me exercise!


* I am grateful for date nights.


* I am also thankful for all of my other stroke survivors I have met over the past 11 months!


* I am grateful for love.


* I am grateful for forgiveness!


* I am grateful for the nurses and therapists that helped me get back to me!!!


* I am grateful for my words!

Adventure in Mt. Union

The trip to the University of Mt. Union went well and I surprised myself and really noticed my success of the work I have done in my recovery! It may be that I have not been on one of these college visits since late June or it I really am getting better.  I was comfortable answering questions from the staff and I was actually asking questions!  T.K. felt happy with too and he too noticed I was more relaxed.

T.K., Collin, Jake and Dontez at Mt. Union

The other boys had fun as well, it was a great campus, they put education before athletics and are very family friendly.  T.K. found the biggest down fall is that Mt. Union is a D-3 school and can not offer a full scholarship, but I told him we can always make things work... I have a school loan and he will have to have one too, just not as large, a D-3 school can offer part scholarships.

I am so proud of T.K. and love watching him getting excited about college... another PLUS is that Mt. Union offers a Physical Therapy program!

Thankful for this week

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." ~ Dr. Seuss

What a terrific week... flat broke, but a wonderful week spent with my family!

I had 2 and a 1/2 months off of work in the winter to recover, by no means was it a vacation, I worked half days for over 2 months, this was no leisure time either... this week of "stay"cation was heaven doing nothing but much needed spring cleaning and family bonding. I "rid" out over 9 bags of "hoarder" junk from my closet, 9 loads of laundry, cleaned the scary basement, Eloise's room, some of the garage, my car and prettied p the front yard... hard work that made my super tired, but I am so glad I am on top of the house mess again.

I was able to watch T.K.'s football practices and the first game of the season, is was a huge loss, but he played very well. I am so proud of T.K. and can't wait to see him play college football next year. He stated his senior year of Avon Lake High School this week, I cried, cried!

Eloise and I went to many parks, rode bikes, went to Kiddie Park, the zoo, the fair and the lake... I wish I had her energy! Eloise started kindergarten yesterday... I did not cry about this, but was a little sad, I can't believe she is getting so big! Crazy having a senior and a kindergartner!

P.J. went to the grocery store with me and helped me stick to my list... my new budgeting learning is in whole affect!! And we had a really fun night last night laughing at one another sitting outside.

I get frustrated with myself lately and my obstacles, but I really appreciate the week I had to get to know myself and time to get rest, organize and laugh! This week was fabulous and just what my brain needed!

MS and Cerebral Vascular Disease... the match made in heaven!?

P.J. was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in 2006 after Eloise was born, what a shock! Good times and bad times have come of the diagnoses. He has body pain, fatigue and tremors. I now have Cerebral Vascular Disease or my strokes under my belt... what a neurological household!

Since the strokes, I have become less stressed with organization, time keeper, laundry, keeping money in order... basically everything an adult should be on top of. P.J. on the other hand has OCD with organization, money, basically anything that has order. This is difficult for us, I just don't care, and it does not bother me. Now, I need to fix my financial life, this I know has got out of control, but the laundry or a clean closet is not high on my list. The dishes do need to be done before I go to bed, I am constantly sweeping, "Swiffering" and

mopping my wood floors and wiping down my antique window sills, but I am just happy to be playing with Eloise, beading, knitting or watching TV other than laundry! I am not a messy person, but P.J.'s part of the bed room is very neat... I have heard forever that opposites attract.

I also do what the neurologist advises me to do, I take my drugs, don't drink alcohol (red wine is OK), soda occasionally, NO COFFEE (can you hear me crying!!!!),

I am liking caffeine free hot teamore all the time, no fast food (sometimes). I lack the exercise, but I am tired when I get home... so I need to put exercise put back into my life. P.J. smokes, he has cut back on Heineken and Banana Bread beer, eats whatever he wants and he looses the weight... God has a bad sense of humor.I love PJ very much... we have good days, wonderful days and days were we can't look at one another... I know I need to get on track with organization and budgeting (what's a budget!?), he is a great guy and I want us both to heal healthier. He is helping my budget correctly, thank goodness and encouraged me to clean my closet, which feels good now that it is done.I love to see PJ smile and laugh, I am in love with his dimples! This summer has also been great to sit in the yard and talk or play on our cell phones. I love watching Criminal Minds with him and he picks on the show as not being "real"and watching Breaking Bad is the the best!

Here's to a neurological future filled with happiness and new memories that I can remember!

Who likes laundry!

So, I have lost almost all my organization skills since the stokes... the only one that thinks I have not is T.K., he thinks it is OK to leave shoes anywhere, leave your clothes in the dryer and throw wrappers behind the TV or under couch cushions. I really struggle with laundry, I am just too tried to do it when I get home from work, a nap would be nice, but I make dinner and usually go to the park with Eloise (to have her energy would awesome!). Yesterday I finally cleaned out my closet, I got rid of nine bags of clothes that did not fit or were from 1999 and did 8 loads of laundry... I am excited to wear my shoes again, I could only find 2 pair lately in my cluttered closet! It took me all day, cut two of my fingers, bruised my knee and did something to my right shoulder, but I am done... I need to start doing small loads at a time, P.J. and T.K. do their own laundry, but I need to change this lazy laundry routine of mine! I conquered my closet and won, I slept so well last night!

On the plus side, I may have sweated away a few pounds, my room and closet were soooooooo hot!

Sense of Humor

I am very, very VERY thankful that I have a twisted sense of humor or I do not think I would have survived this brain stroke business.... I have had been diagnosed with Cerebral Vascular Disease, Left-Hemishere Stroke, Anemia, Menorrhagia (which is not fun with anemia!), Benign Hypertension and my favorite Obesity, really, I am chunky, but OBESE... reading that on my Kaiser e-Chart really hurt... I take Plavix (such a fun pill), Lisinopril, Citalpram, Lovastatin, Iron and multi-vitamins... I can't drink coffee, Diet Pespi (which adore), drink alcohol (so sad, yes I know!), eat anything greasy, fattening or comes in a bag and stay out of the sun or I turn purple... so, once again, I bless anyone upstairs that wants to listen... THANK YOU for my twisted sense of humor!

Not only do I have the attention of an 18 month old, but I have the bowels of a 90 year old, I need to nap, I need to be in bed before 9:30, thank goodness for my DVR, I can not finish an episode of Criminal Minds before falling asleep like Maude at the community retirement home!

I am enjoying not having aphasia a much as I did, this was my biggest challenge, I am a talker and I could not get anything out of my mouth, my head knew I wanted to say, I just could not get the words out of my mouth, I do know some of my family members enjoyed this, mainly my boyfriend and my dad, they both think I talk too much! I still have a language stop or stutter, but it is an improvement by leaps and bounds! I still miss singing, belting out the Go-Gos or Joan Jett in my car, now I still through the stutter!

One of my medicines is making me chubbier, but at least I can kiss my family, children and boyfriend everyday chubby instead of dead! Excerise would help, just too tired after work... I will get this weight off, the healthier eating is great for me!

I really like the chunky, stuttering, short memory span self and that's all that matters!

A STROKE, Really!

Mid November of 2010 driving to Columbus, Ohio for a work related training, I felt a little funny while driving, but thought I just needed to eat. I went to training and felt a little funky a few times that day and decided I needed a big dinner, I went to dinner with my co-specialists and was ready for bed, a few of the ladies wanted my to go the local hospital because I was not myself. Did I listen, of course not, I went to bed and then decided to go home early from the training and go to the doctor... I drove 2 and a half hours to go to the doctor. My doctor told me I had a panic attack and my blood pressure elevated, he gave me an anxiety pill and BP medicine, told me to take it easy for the weekend and sent me home. I never listen, so I went to work the next day all loopy, which I thought was the anxiety pill... my co-workers thought I was drinking, I was racing around in office chairs and playing with another co-workers weave. My awesome co-worker, Julie had me cancel my appointments and I called my parents to come and get me ( I work in a tough section is Cleveland and did not want to leave my beautiful car)... did I think I was having a stroke yet... NO... it was the medicine making my loopy! So, my mother takes me shopping on the way home, shopping at Toys R Us with my 4 year old daughter as I was dancing, YES, dancing around the store, then we stopped at a thrift store. When I finally got home, I laid down and felt all funky, my right hand was all numb-like too. So, still, not thinking I was serious ill, I went to bed and when I woke up, I could not move my right hand at all, plus, I could not complete a sentence or figure out how to use my phone to call my doctor... my 17 year old son ended up driving me to the hospital... 30 minutes away... I had no sense of direction, so thank goodness for GPS on cell phones... Once I got to the hospital and they saw my all loopy and "lost", the nurse told me I most likely had a stroke. After a few hours later I found out I did have a major stroke and was transferred to Parma Hospital and was put in ICU Step down. HOW SCARY! I can't have a STROKE I am 38 years old! I work with children, I am a parent of 2 children and and a step parent to 3 more children. I was so scared... needles everywhere, BP cuffs, nurses, doctors... my son, TK was so brave, he called everyone he needed to call, my mother was a mess, my boyfriend was holding down the fort at home. All of this is because my Dad had his first stroke at 38 years old too... I wanted to be the favorite child, but not this way!